September 2011
7 tags
SRSLY, INSOMNIA? SRSLY?
You are evading me very well, sleep.
In fact, I am not even sleepy. Okay, maybe a little, but that hint of heaviness about my eyelids is not enough to send me dashing back to my comfy corner of bed. Even though I took my now-normal half-dose of Silenor.
I hate you, insomnia. You serve only to torment me (and others) and I would wish you on no one.
Pain, I hate you too. You are hurting my...
August 2011
13 tags
Just not feeling it tonight...
I’m in a really down mood. Like… really low. Not suicidally low, just… sad and depressed and angry at myself. (Like that’s going to help.)
I’m having a hard time trusting God with finances. We just shelled out over $1200 in brake repairs for my car so she’d pass inspection (which she did, yey)… and… yeah. It’s so hard trusting Him when the...
9 tags
Reblog if...
You understand what it is to be a cutter.
You understand that it’s not for attention.
You understand that it’s a release.
You understand that the aim isn’t death.
You understand that feeling pain is easier than feeling numb or broken.
You understand that emotions can choke you.
Reblog if you’re not:
disgusted, horrified or look down on cutters…
Reblog if you really, truly, understand.
8 tags
14 tags
Am I really as crazy as I feel?
I’m so lonely tonight, and feeling so crazy. Like, not out of control kind of crazy, just… certifiably insane crazy. I’ve identified some issues, some parts of me of different ages that are still me - not DID by any means (DID = new name for multiple personality, is dissociative identity disorder now) - but… ugh. Like in ME there are:
- 5 year old April
- 9 year old...
3 tags
I wonder if my current state of mind means that...
And what if it does? :(
10 tags
Durrr, my brain is tired.
I am making myself a meal plan for the coming days. \o/ or /o\? not sure…
Today the 5 month old would.not.stop.screaming while I was there. Well, okay, I lie. She settled down some when I walked her around and really, while I am falling in love with these kids, I am still very glad they’re not mine and that we’re not planning on having any unless we foster/adopt, later, down...
14 tags
Brain dump tiemz again!! since it appears to help?
What’s on my mind right now…
I’m worried about IBS + work tomorrow. It’s “switched phases” (or, in WoW terms, “changed specs,” as my husband and I jokingly talk about it) now from being no trouble to being a PITA. Literally. :( I swear it’s gotten worse in the past few months because I don’t remember ever having this much trouble with...
1 tag
15 tags
Hmmm... what to do today?
Today promises to be a pretty quiet day, despite Irene being so close. We’re on the edge of the rain belt and it’s not been that disruptive yet, at least as far as I can tell. It’s just, well, raining, and not even all that hard right now. Church this morning, and then… I dunno. I’m trying to figure out what to do. >_> I could read, I could play WoW, I could...
13 tags
I cry out to You, and ask, "Why?"
I’m so tired of life tonight. :( Yeah, I know I’ve had better days/nights and will do so again… but… just… so worn out.
Anxiety is still running rampant. I do have a PRN dose of Klonopin now though, officially, so that’s good. I just… hate it so much.
Jarrod and I tried to celebrate my 1 year completely self injury free today (it was on 25 June, but...
4 tags
okay you guys, one of the people who i follow is...
whyvoneenee:
mindless—endeavors:
her tumblr is queenofstarvation.tumblr.com
we can do something to help.
The links on her page don’t lead anywhere, but after her tumblr url, just write “/ask” and it should work.
Please reach out to her.
7 tags
Pain, please go away?
Since I started my job I’ve noticed a huge ramp-up in the severity of the pain I have. This is not encouraging, and I’m wondering if say “EFF YOU FIBRO IN YOUR FACE!!!” is the wrong way to go about it. Also, I wonder if the lack of sleep isn’t helping… hah. Last night I got enough rest but the days before then I was going to bed around 11:30pm (or getting to...
10 tags
Do I really need a brain dump every night?
…Maybe I do. Need to dump my brain every night, I mean. There’s just so much swirling around in it and I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep for another hour. :(
Self injury. Eating disorders. Self hatred. Sexual abuse. In “my world,” they all seem perfectly normal things. Not right, not good, but normal - i.e., common. I’m so used to hanging around...
11 tags
12 tags
Falling apart & coming back together. Yey?
PTSD is a tricky beast. It lurks in the corners of your life, and just when you think you have things figured out, it will jump out, say “BOO!!” and surprise you with more.
At least, that’s how it is for me, right now. Same goes for my eating disorder. I feel like my nanny job is going to “make” me struggle with my ED… I’m gonna fight it like hell...
4 tags
6 tags
Trying so hard...
Major PTSD moment tonight. Like… it was a huge, huge realization, fears of 3 years that came crashing down on me. I feel crushed. Or rather, I FELT crushed. I’m feeling a little better now and more ready to attempt sleep - after all, I have work tomorrow (at 8am, instead of 7am - thank God, since tonight is definitely a late night - if I start at 7am I need to be out of the house a...
11 tags
Thank You?
Today has been weird and crazy but I love it.
Right now I’m working on getting to sleep, but obviously I’m not in bed… tried lying there for awhile but no go with sleep, although I did get a fair ways in prayer as well as meditating and trying to get myself to feel sleepy. I used my BPAL aromatherapy oil for sleep (TKO) and it has helped some… I think I just needed to...
17 tags
I hate you, insomnia. DIAF too, please?
I’m trying to stay away from WoW so I don’t get caught up in it and its distractions right now so I actually will have a chance at getting to sleep before 4am. *headdesk* So posting again in my Tumblr? why not. ;) Even though I can’t really think of things to say all the time, I can usually ramble my way through anywhere.
So I think I have about half of the church’s...
14 tags
Anxiety, you can go DIAF. Right. NAO. Halp?
I really don’t know how to cope with this. :( It’s overwhelming generalized anxiety, and… yeah. I am trying to unwind myself by my usual things… but the issue is… it’s been so long since I’ve had such bad anxiety that my mental compartment for “anxiety coping mechanisms” is, uh, rather empty. Any suggestions?
Other than that… things...
7 tags
Blargh, how to deal with anxiety?
So anxious. :( I woke up to Jarrod being sick and that’s scared the crap out of me. Emetophobia for the LOSS. >_>
In other news, been having friendship issues… again… and I think I’m going to stop trying to make close friends over the intarwebz because I’ve had three friendships that have kind of… deteriorated. And two that exploded and will probably...
15 tags
How do I get through this challenge?
Finances have never been easy, but now with $800 being needed for car repairs in order for my car to pass inspection, and us totally being blindsided by that this afternoon… yeah. I need your ideas.
How to cut down on money being spent?
We already have done these things:
Buying more raw foods at the grocery store. I.e., no more entrees and precooked meals since I no longer need to eat...
11 tags
So I'm frustrated... wait - what's new?
I dunno what’s new. I guess just that I woke up this morning frustrated, and I can’t even put a finger on why. :o It’s just kind of… there - the frustration, I mean - and it’s bugging me. I took a hot shower and that helped with pain but I think I’ve got a lot of anxiety too, so… yeah. :-/ I hate anxiety - so tough to cope with at times. Scratch that. ...
3 tags
Lessons I need to learn, part one.
My actions have consequences for more people than just me. The same goes for my words. Even if what I say is not direct (i.e., via LJ or Tumblr, or another blogging site), they can still impact other people.
Thinking before speaking/writing, and choosing words wisely, are both things I need to learn to do. It won’t be an easy road by any means, but it’s one I need to travel,...
3 tags
Self sabotaging? no thanks.
Last post stuff about my ED was all self sabotage focused.
So needless to say, realizing that this morning, I am NOT going to let myself fall back into that ED trap. Because I would be self sabotaging and I don’t ever want to do that. I’ve already been accused of doing it when I hadn’t been, but this truly would be. Therefore… no. Not gonna do it.
Thank God for being...
2 tags
14 tags
Thank God for my friends...
A huge shout out to my best friend and her family. I hung out for awhile at their place after dark tonight, while they had supper (I was offered some but due to med restrictions, couldn’t have any unless I wanted to take my Silenor ridiculously late), and then got to talk with my bestie’s mom. She (my best friend’s mom) has MS and we can relate on all sorts of levels. ...
4 tags
The weirdest songs come up on some of my Pandora...
…what are t.a.t.u. and Venus Hum doing on my Visions of Atlantis Pandora station? Oh well, their music is okay - haven’t listened to enough of their stuff to really judge it - but it just makes me laugh a little. Because Visions of Atlantis in sound is much like Nightwish or Xandria or Tristania or Sirenia. :)
Goals for the next week:
- be more positive. No long whingy/ranty posts...
8 tags
I'm up this early?...
…Wow.
I’m still feeling slow and sluggish from the Silenor since I took it last night, but I’m up before 6am!! This is awesome, haha. :D I missed this hour of the morning, although admittedly it’s odd since my husband is still asleep. But still, I am up, I am awake, and I actually slept decently last night… so yey. :) I did wake up a few times because I got too...
14 tags
I keep running out of things to title my posts, so...
Today…
- 5:55am. I roll out of bed (allllmost literally), trying to force my eyelids to stay open.
- 6:05am. I feel awake and ready to take on whatever the day held.
- 6:15am. I am ready to go back to bed, and go back to bed RIGHT NOW.
- 6:35am. I have kept myself awake by doodling around on the computer and drinking a very small amount of caffeinated coffee.
- 6:45am. My dad...
16 tags
*sigh* :(
I’m sad. And I don’t know why. I just… really feel discouraged.
Here are some of the thoughts running through my mind right now:
- Why should I even bother going to the job interview? it’s not like I’m awesome enough to really get the job.
- Why do I have to put up with the disabilities I have? It’s NOT FAIR TO ANYONE.
- Why does life have to be SO DAMN...
15 tags
Slowly panic turns to pain... (Alternate title:...
Out of these ashes, beauty will rise,
and we will dance among the ruins,
we will see it with our own eyes,
out of these ashes, beauty will rise…
for we know joy is coming in the morning.
- Steven Curtis Chapman, “Beauty Will Rise.”
I’m… kind of depressed. I dunno. In a funk. I got a call back from my GP yesterday afternoon and what my GP’s nurse had to...
16 tags
Blahh. (Alternate title: I go...
Sometimes, I think to myself, God, why? why are all of these things happening to me? (and why to anyone?) What are Your plans in all of this? Sometimes my life looks like… wreckage… and I know that I am helpless to fix it all by myself.
The past 24 hours have been so crazy up & down. Last night was a mood crash (they are coming back *sadfaise*)… went from being okay to...
6 tags
londonriots2011:
As looters and rioters smashed up shops, looted and fought with police in Camden Town, Philippa Morgan-Walker, 25 and her husband, Jonny Walker, 31, made tea for the police who were protecting their street. Some of the officers had been on duty for more than 30 hours.
2 tags
Reblog if you are a Christian blogger, i want to...
3 tags
12 tags
Frustration, hand in hand with anger. (*insert...
Nighttime mood crashes are not a thing of the past any longer. :( BOO HISS.
Also, I have no more Silenor. I will get the script filled tomorrow (if I can >_>) but tonight is a night with no sleeping med and… yeah. :( I was feeling tired earlier but I think I got my “second wind” and am now not that sleepy. Ugh.
Another unpleasant thing about the mood crashes (when I say...
12 tags
Goals & things.
Today… well, I’ve slept most of the day away thus far. *headdesk* I took my Silenor early last night too, around 9:10pm, and I was in bed and sleep before 11pm (*gasp*). Yet it hasn’t seemed to have worn off by now, even. :( I got up a little before 9am, took a shower, went back to bed, tried getting back up, and that didn’t work either. My eyes were so heavy and were...
12 tags
Realizations...
So LJ appears to be down again. Or something. :-/ I can’t access it just when I want to. Boo hiss grumble grumble.
8 August is coming up fast. That’s Monday. That’s the day I said I would call for a referral to a rheumatologist if the Neurontin hasn’t worked yet (and it hasn’t). I’m scared of the tests that will be run - scared to possibly have a spinal...
2 tags
#Ninety-Three:
fibromyalgiaconfessions:
Why is it that when I say I don’t feel like doing something I am nagged to the point of feeling useless. I don’t have the energy, I don’t have the strength, I don’t have the concentration or focus, I’m just not able. I have fibromyalgia; what can I do to make someone understand?
This confession was submitted anonymously
I have to say all of those things too (that I...
12 tags
So frustrated.
So my parents, my sister, Jarrod, & I all went out to eat. We were originally going to go to a pizzeria type place that Jarrod & I frequent a fair bit, but apparently it’s undergoing renovations right now, so that was a no go. Second pick was Pizza Hut, so we went there.
Big mistake. >_> It was total overstimulation for me, and while I know it’s not ALL ABOUT ME, it...
10 tags
MRGLGRGLGRGL. (Alternate title: Are Murlocs...
I’m so tired… which is why I may not be making sense in this post… I just feel like writing since my brain is going in 9384792239748 different directions at once, so fast I can’t keep up. -.- Not fair, brain, SLOW DOWN PLZ. KTHXBAI.
Today is not a particularly bad day. It’s just a very, very draggy, slow, tired, drained day. I slept almost 9 hours last night with...
11 tags
Blackberry scratches & blueberry soup...
I know, I know, weird title, but bear with me. :P Last night my best friend and I went to my parents’ house, since we used to hang out there all the time (since, y’know, I used to live there - and I’ve known her for 14 years, so we have a lot of memories there). Anyway, we went there for supper (which was delicious - homemade everything, which is how I eventually want to serve...
4 tags
10 tags
And the sun rises on a new day...
I’m feeling better mentally today than I did last night. For whatever reason, nights are my horrible time. (I suspect it’s because I’m too tired to keep up good spirits and then I just let the depression/discouragement take over, but sometimes there are situations that also cause me to get depressed/discouraged. I.e., it’s not always in my head. :P)
I have therapy...
